Darkness, And Leaving It

During the pandemic, we were all sequestered to a small but beautiful college campus that boasted 13,000 acres of forest and the most dense concentration of caves in the southeast. I had always been intimidated by it, but one day I became brave and bored enough to go on a caving trip. In a small group of other students led by members of the outing program, we traipsed halfway down the steep plateau to reach the cave’s opening. The first trial of the cave was referred to as “the birth canal.” You would enter into the cave on all fours, then come upon a pass that was so narrow the only way through was by stretching out on your belly and pushing yourself through sideways. I passed the ordeal, shuffling my right arm and leg bit by bit along the two heavy and solid rocks, with the left half of my body stretched upwards uselessly. 

Once birthed, we came upon the belly of the cave. It felt almost cathedral-like, with tall, jagged spires reaching up towards a domed ceiling that was taller than Notre Dame. Lit with head lamps,  the details of the room came into view as more people emerged through the canal. There were jagged rocks, dripping forms of stalactites and smooth walls that buckled and folded. All of it brown, gray, golden, as if the world in front of me was bathed in a sepia filter. I felt like I was stepping directly into a national geographic image, or Mars, or Hell. I was deeper in the earth than I had ever been before, deeper than most humans would ever go, witnessing the secret entrails of the planet. The thin layer of earth us humans had been treading was only epidermis– a fresh, fleshy, fragile top soil that covered the bones and soul of an ancient, formidable beast.  It felt intimate. 

We spent a couple of hours exploring deeper into more passages and other rooms . At a point, everyone sat down, turned off all our headlamps and sat until the darkness swallowed us. After several minutes, I felt like an insect, a micro-organism- I wondered if I still had a body. I wondered if my eyes would glaze and shimmer like Gollum from the Lord of the Rings if given a minute too long. I wondered what color looked like. I inhaled the dense, powdery smell of rock and water. When we turned the lights back on, I was dazzled and relieved to see the grays and browns that now felt like stunning and rich colors. I thought of Plato’s Cave. 

As I was shuffling myself through the birth canal again, I wondered if maybe Plato had gotten it wrong- that life was more real and potent down here, so connected to the heart of the earth. Then, in a final push, I pulled my body out from between the two rocks, began crawling, and felt a soft wave of warmth touch my face. It smelled like rain, life, sunlight. Then, after turning a corner, there it was. Electric, melting yellow and dazzling gemstone green splashed across the growing opening of the cave, shining and scintillating. I reached the opening, crawled out and blinked in the sunlight, drinking in the color green, the smells of trees, moss and rich soil.